I have not stopped loving you…

I still ache for you every day

My morning doesn’t open up on me

without showing me your face in its light

My ears don’t hear the birds sing

Till they hear your beautiful laughter..sighs

My eyes…don’t open till they see your smile - in my mind -

till a single drop from them trickles out and dies....



copyright*budhaaah*
For One Shot Wednesday

After a harsh day from him on 16/12/10 and I pondered how it would be to live without love's divine presence in my life I wrote this poem..–thinking (then) how I would feel if ever (God forbid) we break-up....

for you...and Leonard Cohen

Yes I will think of you and only you and you will know not -
the soft tug that tugs at your heart from time to time - is mine.

it does not matter if your ears hear not when I call your name
your soul hears..looks back suddenly wondering who called -anyhow- I know this sounds insane -
but how many times have you stopped in your tracks
remembering that you have forgotten something
what it is you just cant tell -

sometimes your hand involuntarily brushes your cheek
though its my tears that fall
you have not seen me in ages and I have not come to you
and yet the sharp pang you feel evrytime for no reason at all?

Trying to shrug it off does not help..the feeling does not leave you.
- It will never leave you.
because its me ..in you..on you..and forevermore for you..only you...

copyright*budhaaah*

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
...

He never....

He never tried my number
so switching it off was in vain
and how can you be angry with the one
who isnt even aware of your pain..

Oblivious to my being
indifferent of a seed so pure
ignorant to the growing roots
despite the soiled soil of control..

Do you think I could reach him
if I could sift through all his vague strands?
or if the pores of my soul were tighter still?
maybe if softer - still - was the skin of my hands....

copyright*budhaaah*

One shot after ages.

I had not known that I would pay
for dreaming up a dream..
Now barren - bereft for dreams have died
and I am as empty....

copyright budhaaah
for One shot wednesday

My Ma..

Give me your beauty
your strength
hold me..heal me
revitalize my soul
with your love my sweet mother
make me whole....

copyright*budhaaah*
for www.thetenthdaugherofmemory.blogspot.com

One shot - where would I be?

If I had some - and if it be gone
- pray - where would then I 'll be?
the flow will ebb, the beat almost none
and life not - once what it could be....

copyright*budhaaah*
For One Shot Wednesday

black or white..lies be-lie-s..

Stray pieces of truth opaque in the clear water,
where shadows are solid yet not tangible..
The beam of light takes the layers off bit by bit,
and yet I hope its just the brush that paints you black.

copyright*budhaaah*
for The Tenth Daughter of Memory, a bi-monthly writing/arts competition based on a theme

One shot

If you are there - and I am here,
and that heap our jumbled up dreams..
are mere twists and gone,
and the spark be lost -
then call it a day - and blame - destiny

copyright*budhaaah*for One Shot Wednesday and Imperfect Prose and the 160 that was

One shot Wednesday

I see his face
a star strewn sky
a kindred spirit of me
I hear his song - a melody crisp
but a soul less rendering of sighs
his eyes are blank - though his hands are rich
and one could fathom not
why his songs are sung with so much thought
his soul having taken flight....

copyright*budhaaah*
for One shot wednesday
and for 55 G-Man

Sweet spring

Spring is come
my eyes are dry
though still possessed by thee..

So if spring is here
but you are gone
its all the same to me....

copyright*budhaaah*
For One Stop Poetry Form – a look at RHYME

My Ma....

You are the soul of my soul
I am the flesh of your flesh
You are therefore I am

In my being you were reborn
yours are the arms that hold me
when I am reduced to a sigh


copyright*budhaaah*
Say something in 160 characters and share with MonkeyMan. Please visit One Stop Poetry as we all celebrate Mothers Day!
and for www.thetenthdaugherofmemory.blogspot.com

friday Poetically..

Clipped wings, chipped dreams, watery sighs..
Yet on the wings of hope,
and a song I fly....

copyright*budhaaah*
Friday Poetically with Brian Miller

My one shot this wednesday..

Sweet - I dare not - a jumbled weave
of this intensity,
for what am I - but a forlorn bird -
of a broken dried up tree..

But spring is come and sprouts be seen
on this lump of wood gone dry
the broken at last will be whole again
the bird is free to fly....


copyright*budhaaah*
for one shot wednesday

One shot sunday

My eyes breathe - for me
my eyes see - and yet I am blind
Salvaged, ravaged, famished and yet savage
they hypnotize..

Joy they know not
are used to insipid sighs
a mere flicker of light for a while
bristling for a life to revolutionize..

my lips are sealed but my eyes will speak
for bound and gagged I am still alive....


copyright*budhaaah*
for one shot sunday picture prompt
—inspired by Rosa Frei’s beautiful work

The 55 sleeps

I inhale
deep..your scent divine

Rouse me out of my slumber deep
- aye - I have slept
far too long..

Pull me closer,
ever the malleable sigh
to your inhalation divine..

suck me in,
opening my eyes
to your sweet cries..

Been way too long,
now its time to wake up
to your sweet sight....

copyright*budhaaah*
'Sleep' for Brian's theme thursday
Tell a story in 55 words for G-man
and Imperfect prose

the One Shot void..

the void - gapes
at the emptiness within

the void - apes
the turmoil within

the void - rapes
the peace within

and something dies....

copyright*budhaaah*
for One Shot Wednesday

Aye I know tis Monday

I am stored
filed away
forgotten..

wear me some cotton
the heat is synthetic
to my pleas

just corrode..my memory
and it will be
easier to sleep..

my deepest sleep....

copyright*budhaaah*
The pictures is by Greg Laychak and is the prompt for One Shoot Sunday.

Friday poetically...

Ride a teardrop
Carried from the blue pool
Delicious love whispers
His hello to the moon..

Sound of sour pool
Carried a friend
in the magic boat
to a love cold too soon

They said they try only try
Sweet dance in the old school
I danced, drank my sweet
Sour love in teardrop pool

Tonight love dream of
Green beans yellow balloons
Whisper our love dreams
To sweet sweet moon….


copyright*budhaaah*
first attempt arrrghh..for friday poetically

One shot

long languid nights...
silence sweet bearable made,
if only the heart could weave
- my pain - with your sighs...

copyright*budhaaah*

for one shot wednesday

One shot....

Between me - and my memories
Stands - time - warped and still
twirling - in sync -
with this silence - my sighs
interspersed and distilled
my thoughts of memories..
sweet memories - warped by time....

copyright*budhaaah*
for one shot wednesday

Sticky..sticky..

Hot and humid
shirt sticking
to the wet skin..
she walks on
looking for the next whim

it doesnt come easy
dreaming needs a lot
of guts
but inside her
all she can hear
is the sound of her
heart breaking
shrill...

hot and wet
from the heat
the tears coursing down
her broken dreams...

copyright*budhaaah*
Write a story in 55 words and go see G-man -http://g-man-mrknowitall.blogspot.com/

I feel..

I feel off..and unhappy
not only when things go wrong,
but when - the heart is at spring
no wonder I brood...

copyright*budhaaah*

New York

I have a friend
Ah been meaning to visit
yes, its long due

she lives in jersey
but all I ever do is catch a wisp of
her Manhattan blues

New York
here I come now
ah booked my ticket
hmm.mm tis true

She told me just yesterday
about how cruel the world is
how self - wrapped they all are
how sick of it all she is

I think she has given up
piping her dreams to smoke
and though she lives in Jersey
t'was of Manhattan she spoke

I need to see what she sees
and put her mind to rest
tell 'er the sun is the same
that shines on her
the moon is as close there as here
one color is true to every place
and every heart pumps the same red

So here I come..have my ticket in hand
oye yes this is so true
for I have to give her a respite
from forever singing the blues...

New York
here I come now
ah booked my ticket
hmm.mm tis true

copyright*budhaaah*

friday poetically..

Oh fair Gertrude
I am so lost for I have been a fool
Am immersed forever now
In your love
Let not shackled destiny intrude
Gertrude…


copyright*budhaaah*

I found...

I found that time again..
can follow the eagle high up in the sky,
to cure my lazy eye...


copyright*budhaaah*

They meet again..

Ah..we meet again,
seems like destiny's playing a fine game..

we meet, then we part..stay apart,
only to meet again..

We played with love,
now love is playing the game

Oh, whats to become of us he said..
this is getting out of my control
come - sweet - let me imbibe your soul...

copyright*budhaaah*
for G-man a story in 55words at http://g-man-mrknowitall.blogspot.com/

Cosmos...

I reach out to you
you touch my fingertips...
and it is pure bliss


copyrigh*budhaaah*
For Theme thrursday
http://themethursday.blogspot.com

so close...

loosely scattered yet held close
different petals of one same rose
are your thoughts - sweet - quivering through my soul...

copyright*budhaaah*
for 'one shot wednesday'

done...

I want to flow free with the river,
fly far upon the wings of the wind..
I want to die so as to live again,
my spirit no longer is a stranger to me...

I am done with kissing frogs - now -
send me a force to reckon with

copyright*budhaaah*
http://onestoppoetry.com/2011/03/one-shot-wednesday-week-35

Haiku

I pray for me to be whole
even as you burn holes
through my soul...

copyright*budhaaah*

for http://onestoppoetry.com/2011/02/one-stop-poetry-form-a-little-tanka-a-little-haiku.

A song close to my heart...

The girl who wants to make you laugh,
or the child that makes you cry.
The words that come out thru’ your eyes,
the tears that make you smile.

Tell me - have you ever smiled on tears,
and emotions - that teach you nothing but lies..
have you ever tried to love?
Ever tried to fly??

Tell me ’cause I’m a lonely traveller,
In a land more beautiful than dreams.
Tell me - so that I take back the gift,
- a souvenir of dreams..

Always tried - tried..to be a human
-cried when the child cried,
-wanted always to be oh human,
-turned out to be a machine..

Have always wanted to share my love,
have always been too shy..
Always wanted to share with everyone,
But - failure makes me die..

Save me ”cause I am a lonely traveller,
In a land of barriers and screams.
Save me ’cause I have loved everyone,
In your land - stranger than dreams..

copyright*budhaaah*
For-A Saturday Celebration: Your Past on
http://onestoppoetry.com

A story in 55?

They met in the metro
and experienced their first kiss
that meeting aah was pure bliss
but life is not lived in a metro
one has to touch base..face reality
so she got down..no choice..
goodbye love..she says
its hard to love..
and be loved in bits and pieces and a whim..

copyright*budhaaah*
If you can write a story in 55 words..tell G-man
http://g-man-mrknowitall.blogspot.com/

I owe you my Valentine

Tis the worst Valentine I had
Tis the first time I’d hoped,
Had chopped away diligently
The layers of crust surrounding my soul..

Tis the first moonbeam
That has entered my scream,
It was not easy to die
amidst shattered dreams..

T’was the trust of a child
Betrayed by adult fantasy,
Go on now..begone..do not cling
to broken wings of ecstasy…

copyright*budhaaah*
For http://themethursday.blogspot.com/
http://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.blogspot.com/

And yet...

My breath is old..my heart ancient
and yet I do not stink and I dont crumble
I have been wrapped up - in mold - a thousand times sold
and yet..here I am gnarled, massively chromed
very much - my own...

copyright*budhaaah*
For http://onestoppoetry.com
one-shot-wednesday-week-33
http://canvaschild.blogspot.com/
http://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.blogspot.com/

Doorway to Love...

The depth I need...my soul craves
is a little bit of something
between - love - and hate


copyright*budhaaah*

Sunday sketches - http://bluechairdiary.blogspot.com/,Picture Prompt Challenge http://onestoppoetry.com/(photo prompt -Sean McCormick)
Jingle Poetry Potluck http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/2011/02/poetry-potluck-love-bonds-and.html

The birthing of shit..

Looking inwards
found nothing
but shit

a cesspool
spiralling downwards
till it found release

and splat!
fell flat
on the floor
in a heap


copyright*budhaaah*
For Brian's Theme Thursday at http://themethursday.blogspot.com/

Paints you black..

Stray pieces of truth opaque in the clear water,
where shadows are solid yet not tangible..
The beam of light takes the layers off bit by bit,
and yet I hope its just the brush that paints you black.

copyright*budhaaah*
for http://onestoppoetry.com/2011/02/one-shot-wednesday-week-32

Blue chair diary

Putting up an unfinished sketch for Sophia's sunday sketches..

love blues...

I still ache for you every day
My morning doesn’t open up on me
without showing me your face in its light
My ears don’t hear the birds sing
Till they hear your beautiful laughter..sighs
My eyes…don’t open till they see your smile
till a single drop from them trickles out and dies


copyright*budhaaah*
flash 55 and One Stop Poetry’s Sunday Picture Prompt Challenge.This great prompt was shot by photographer Sean McCormick.
Week 21 Poetry Potluck at jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/,http://carryontuesdayprompt.blogspot.com/

History repeats itself...

History aint no mystery
yesterday is still today
why waste your time
penning down peace rhyme
when todays gonna turn soon..into yesterday
all over again
History repeats..nope
its we who repeat the mistakes.

copyright*budhaaah*
Celebrating Black History Month with Brian Miller. This is in response to a music prompt that had been given. http://onestoppoetry.com/2011/02/1201.html

Paint - theme thursday

Paint the town red mixed dregs
just forced pegs of anxiety
Paint the world black,
neurologicalyy flat..Jack in the box beside me

Paint - sweet - my heart white
then pour colors bright for visual impact
let the white evaporate
this colorless fright out of our lives

or use what you may
for it does not matter
I have peace in my heart
and my love is blind..

copyright*budhaaah*

cosmos..

I reach out to you
you touch my fingertips...
and it is pure bliss

copyright*budhaaah*

breathe in..breathe out..

He breathes out..exhales me
to the wild breeze..with such ease
did he ever love me?

copyright*budhaaah*

Footprints of Pain - 160/1SS

I wonder if you still float high
above all the trains-just an arms length from the sky
strategically placed windows/doors leading you nigh
I imagine all that...and cry

copyright*budhaaah*
Tell a story in 160characters for Monkey Man-http://petzoldspracticalprose.blogspot.com/2011/01/sunday-160-penny-for-your-thoughts.html

Theme thursday and Friday poetically

The way I see it
the way its been
this love force
had wiped clean
my sorrows
my aura cleansed..

Now we have reached a dead end
can no more pretend
that we can go on
unless we turn
whilst there's still light
..take a right..

copyright*budhaaah*
for theme thursdayinspired by beautiful painting of Jonas Gerard
http://jonasgerard.com/

all traces..Friday Flash 55.....

Oh pure joy it has been
to see and to be seen
with you..I sigh
tis tough saying goodbye
and then it sinks in

something dies within...

You throw away a slip
a parking ticket..a chit..
with a sinking heart - I see - sweet
you erasing all traces
of the day spent with me...

copyright*budhaaah*
Tell a story in 55 words. go see g-man at http://g-man-mrknowitall.blogspot.com/

one shot

come to me..
Whilst there is light
and the path still be seen
rush to me - rush to me
for soon the darkness will be

whilst there is time - come to me..


copyright*budhaaah*
For http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com

Sweet-Are we there yet?

Full of longing..hope..wild..
trusting..hurting..wanting
we are just little isles
in this vast sea of guile
the sun's been gone too long
seems like an eternal night

copyright*budhaaah*

for Sophia's Sunday Sketches,160, Poetry Potluck and Carry on tuesday, creative teusdays

Theme thursday

Flip away for I wont keel
Slowly first let me heal
Love is – yet - like a crack in my heel

copyright*budhaaah*

dead years..

I have just seven / you have but none,
you say 'this journey has just begun,
hold on to my hand,keep looking ahead'
but - sweet - inside I am already dead..

copyright*budhaaah*
For One shot poetry at
http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/2011/01/one-shot-wednesday-poetry-week-29.html

160, one shoot..and poetry Potluck

Come
Be with me
For an eternity...

Let us not be
Murdered
By reality...

whisper
- tenderly - into my soul
your entry...

Come smile - open your eyes
As you slay
Me gently...


copyright*budhaaah*
For one shoot, 160 and poetry Potluck

I have been through this
but once before
but never once
met the twain..

now tis my chance
as it yours be
let it not
go in vain..

copyright*budhaaah*

Theme thursday..

If you take my hand
if you kiss my lips
if our pain merges as me

Then together our dreams can take this flight
and then will halt - at none..

straying from the theme here I apologise in advance :)
http://themethursday.blogspot.com/2011/01/thursday-january-13-2011-jump.html
copyright*budhaaah*

one shot and Potluck

Your face I hide - sweet - in my mind
your name - quivers through my soul
I said your name - almost - but thrice
and bitter took its toll..

I tread as much - I dare to say
I long for destiny
which comes and spreads
upon my being - sweet -
your identity..

copyright*budhaaah*
for one shot wednesday @ http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/2011/01/one-shot-wednesday-week-28.html and poetry potluck
One Stop Poetry Form Monday-Ballads

Pain...

Pain - like taking
a walk in the rain..
washing away with tears
- all traces of you -
on me..


copyright*budhaaah*

Destiny - plays a tough game
- we are putty but in its hands..

If sorrow it is, then sorrow it be
for you - in her grand plan..

fight all you want, cry all you will
it has no heart to feel

and you will have - what you must get
it changes just the brand..

copyright*gugs*

How odd - the bard
strums without the strings..

how bleak the night
goes without a wink..

how odd the knife
blunt as someone's wit..

sweet - how sharp your words
cut me to the quick.

copyright*budhaaah*

have come this far..

I have come this far - and then no more
since - my heart - you sang to me
your luscious songs of hope - for my wounded destiny..

copyright*budhaaah*

Another shot I guess..

I have not yet forgotten
how rude the birds could be
singing songs of ecstasy
that had nothing to do with me

I have not yet looked closer
for the vivid bloom in me
for have not come across
a single eligible bee

early I go to my grave
I have not yet been saved
for my knight in shining armour
Its me you come to slay

copyright*budhaaah*
My shot for 'one shot wednesday' a great platform for poets
http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/

one shot..

I would not long for baubles
but cherish what remains
of intercepted thoughts
and midnight's entertain

I do not fancy roses
for long before they came
my heart in bloom already
had vast acres of them

I do not long for kisses
as flowery as they be
however deep they drag me
in wells of ecstasy

I do not long for touches
for touches when be gone
I will be left at crossroads
alone...and forlorn

I long for thee, I crave for ye
your breath mingles with mine
forever and evermore
our souls intertwined

copyright*budhaaah*
My shot for 'one shot wednesday' a great platform for poets
http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/

Gives me a bauble...

You want to be
my precious stone
one that i can - 'Lo and behold!'

Tell me my love
When I am too old
what will I do
with the pretty bauble
when I am all tired..cold?

What will I do
with a precious stone to hold?
when all I want is
a warm warm blanket
wrapped tightly around my soul..

copyright*budhaaah*
posted for Poetry Potluck (Celebrations and Festivities)

Lo and behold!
the sky aint stark
there be thousands in the sky
- but I miss -
my one star..

copyright*budhaaah*

My one shot ..

Building bridges
managing ties
getting through the days
we survive

moderation
is the golden mean
it simply avoids
extreme

Unless we be the change
that does not pretend or lie
oh fie fie fie
we will all die

copyright*budhaaah*

For http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/

Reflections, Interpretations and Musings...and the blues

I have this void in me
that needs, craves
forever.
The only one thing
I need to denounce..yet desire
ignore…and yet fill...

experiencing the intensity,
I let it bathe me with its touch
then shrug
and hey again I - am me -

Smug I have it all figured out
but the void gapes...an endless blue pit
and again pulls me in

copyright*budhaaah*
for Jingle W15 - Reflections, Interpretations and Musings...
for http://smilingsally.blogspot.com/

Sunday sketches and 160

You do not sing love
for me anymore
but then why waste
your breath on me
When there are so many more
That you can lure
With your siren songs
To a sure death of ecstasy

copyright*budhaaah*
For one shoot,160 and also Sunday Sketches (hosted by - lovely Sophia)

For theme thursday - map

And yet I am told
again and again to
'realize' oh when will I realize...

this is what I have to say
that its not in my hand..
let realization unwind
- on the map of my soul -
select its own pace
set its own course
and take its own sweet time

copyright*budhaaah*

One shot

To you my pulsating God
Goes out my pious thought

Smiling, spent
I inhale your scent
Giving vent
- your love -
my sweet intent


copyright*budhaaah*
for http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/2010/12/one-shot-wednesday-week-23.html and poetry potluck-'peace,relaxation, and spirituality'

Tuesdays

insatiable searching
the fear of the unknown
delays the flowering of the soul..

One can reach the truth
But in so many ways
when the heart has begun
the journey of love undone



copyright*budhaaah*
http://carryontuesdayprompt.blogspot.com/2010/12/your-prompt-for-tuesday-14th-december.html& http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/2010/12/poetry-potluck-hobbies-passions.html

Today is not the Thanksgiving..but when I feel utterly hopeless, scared and dejected at times like these, I am thankful for this space where I can write, and I am thankful for the friends I made here and the beautiful souls I connected with..the nice sea of humanity out there. It gives me solace and makes me feel as if I can go on if I try..

I feel sad at having missed lovely Sophia's sunday sketches, 160 and one shoot..next time. Its all that I look forward to at times like these

stand the test of time...

wrapped snugly around ur being,
come love -
Let me inhale your sighs
let me show you
- divine -

Soak it in
Let go of control
Be one with my soul
If you want to feel whole
Be mine - Wrapped in sublime



copyright*budhaaah*



One shot

Listless...goes the day
and yet I crave
- for thee -

My one shot - took the pix from a moving car.
http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/2010/12/one-shot-wednesday-week-23.html

Trying to be creative on a tuesday..

the festive spirit beckons
my little angel
Its time to wake us both up - and go...

Just a simple portrait of my lil angel done a few years ago (when she was four to be precise)even while she slept...hope it makes the cut :)

Dreams, Visions and Reveries...

Its not as If
I long for thee
or for your stony heart

The craving in my soul
for you is
love's integral part

copyright*budhaaah*

and for http://smilingsally.blogspot.com/

sweet ecstasy

Never send a song to me - my love
that you did not write for me

It would be an echo from your past
I wasnt a part of
and that you dont want to part with..

She was spread
on your consciousness
when you wrote then -
but you - spread - your wings
when you wrote to me..

Never send a song to me - my love
that you did not write for me.


copyright*budhaaah*

Got the 'The Perfect Poet Award - Poets Rally'
Thank you so much Jingle for this award!
I accept with a huge smile! But since am pretty bad with links so guys Jingle's on my sidebar and couldnt paste the award either.
I nominate 'River' for ths award next week.



This need of mine
if it be simple -
and if simple could- be filled
then darling I soar
above the cries
of wounded ecstasy..


copyright*budhaaah*

Stone..

Steep stone terrain
weak resolve
sweet succour - beckons us all
win we must - or face our crime
- apathy - disdain -
overbearing drive...

copyright*budhaaah*

one shot wednesday and photo prompt

What paradise we lost
for the distance be too long
from my heart to yours
- sweet - all gone

copyright*budhaaah*
for 'one shot wednesday' at http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/
'Creative Writing Ink' at http://creativewriting.ie/2010/11/29/writing-prompt-

He kills me, but that is not all..

our love
starts as spring
trudges down to
the cold of winter
and sadness of fall..

copyright*budhaaah*

POETRY POTLUCK - Nature: Plants, Creatures and the Cosmos

Do you know what is
And can be..
Each creature
is wrapped in
his/her own reality
I hope we can
appreciate all
that there is –
We simply cant tell
the cosmos -
‘I want a Mulligan...a do over
Please’


copyright*budhaaah*

One shoot and Sunday sketches..

Make me whole
Heal
my burning soul..

copyright*budhaaah*

For one shoot. And also Sunday Sketches (hosted by - lovely Sophia :)

If in my mind
he dwells
and that abode his be..

then go heart - begone -
I have no more need
for thee

copyright*budhaaah*

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends..

Its Thansgiving and Brians been missing from the theme thursday no doubt spending quality time with his family like everyone else this weekend..as it should be spent. Everyone has something to be thankful for in their lives however bleak their life be. I have lost and yet I have you. I am thankful to God for you.

Here is something that I've written today..its a simple piece but reminds of all that we still have in our lives..to hold, cherish whats left..

This Year

Oh don’t go / don’t leave me all torn
Its November now / but its still this year
Come December and one more link with you
will be gone
why does the new year come?
When I am not yet through with the old
Why does this year have to go
My dear father, when I miss you so..

copyright*budhaaah*

One shot

Even as I burn in hell
In sweet turmoil
- becoming whole again -
is the only way
to sum this void

My shot for 'one shot wednesday' a great platform for poets
http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/
copyright*budhaaah*

For carry on Tuesday - A gloomy and a windy day

T’was a cold cold day
Of the demon’s gloomy foray
Out of hiding yet again..he bites
As I cried out in vain
He laughed at my pain
The wail – sweet –
simply got lost
to a windy day

copyright*budhaaah*

never ending

Contemplating
Your face
with my minds gaze
Fingertips
Aching to touch
Unfazed
by reality
in denial
Crazed
Forever..


copyright*budhaaah*

Sunday sketches and 160

Am an empty shell
no use
come take my life
But not my muse
today would not matter to me
a year from now
unhappy, insecure, ashamed
your life would but be
a sorry excuse


copyright*budhaaah*

Adam and Eve

From the divine to just putrid flesh
How could we become
How far we have come..

Once held dear
But now let gone
forsaken..


copyright*budhaaah*

theme thursday

The journey of a thousand words
ended in silence..for you have an appetite for lies
and I serve truth as appetizers..

copyright*budhaaah*

one shot

There is a fultility to my love
but burn I must
and then my sweet
your caress heals
as lips seal
my wound
Oh why do I
wake up ever
from this dream
There's a futility to love/loving
so beautiful and yet..


My shot for 'one shot wednesday' a platform for poets and aspiring poets
http://www.oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/

Full speed ahead
thru this night
I know the dawn
is imminent
and its - mine -

The girl who wants to make you laugh,
or the child that makes you cry.
The words that come out thru’ your eyes,
the tears that make you smile.

Tell me - have you ever smiled on tears,
and emotions - that teach you nothing but lies..
have you ever tried to love?
Ever tried to fly??

Tell me ’cause I’m a lonely traveller,
In a land more beautiful than dreams.
Tell me - so that I take back the gift,
- a souvenir of dreams..

Always tried - tried..to be a human
-cried when the child cried,
-wanted always to be oh human,
-turned out to be a machine..

Have always wanted to share my love,
have always been too shy..
Always wanted to share with everyone,
But - failure makes me die..

Save me ”cause I am a lonely traveller,
In a land of barriers and screams.
Save me ’cause I have loved everyone,
In your land - stranger than dreams..

For 'Sunday sketches' and 'one shoot sunday'
copyright*budhaaah*

Illegitimate
is the sun..
which peeks
through the rain
Begone
for the drops perish
and yours will be
the blame..


copyright*budhaaah*
for poetry Potluck

till then relax

Young at heart
- yet - growing old
a hard days night - and - wavering hope
No promises to keep
still -
wake me up
when the sun is up
- again -
with fun

One shot..

Fall..gently
to the ground
like leaves

and embrace me
like the earth
for eternity

copyright*budhaaah*

The imaginary confines
of the mind
are harder to break through
Not there and yet..
tis so easy to say its easy
but impossible
to get through

copyright*budhaaah*

In as much in as far
I have never lost that star
I hold it close
and still hope
of a path
where you and I separate and none
with our journey just begun
flower into one

I see the rings of scope
a dawn of hope
a bridge of ties
on a river quiet

The silken threads
of love's web
snuggled tight

A glint of tears
through the warmth we share
before we get revirginised..




copyright*budhaaah*

A faint wisp of a memory
with my mark on the cusp
dear heart..
break out of that mold..
that rust..


copyright*budhaaah*

I ran towards the light
but couldnt get past
his complicated sun..

The plethora of pink
in his straight lines
didnt let us have
too much fun..


copyright*budhaaah*

Didja say 'love' there?
I like to see love writ
even if in vain..
I love the word 'love'
maybe I love pain..



copyright*budhaaah*

I will be out of town for the next few days Will miss you all and miss writing too. Though will try and get my hands on a computer if possible..

Fill me up
with your warmth
and treat me to this night..

stand just far enough to caress..
caress me with your sighs

you want to..outdo yourself
look at life with different eyes

leave this sad withereing heart
where life was long denied

No,did not happen overnight
It took centuries for me to die

did not know
that I was dead
till I shed a tear
a soul less cry



copyright*budhaaah*

The Beautiful Blogger award!

Now this was a freebie! Get one free types. I for one couldnt resist it. Oh Yes I am vain too..maybe there's two things I should go back and change about myself then..

and I give this award to beautiful Jo@ A majority of Two

Cherry on Top!

I got the Cherry Award!

Well what do you know!!

As a rule now there are three things that I must do.

The first is answer the question ''If I had the chance to go back and change one thing in my life, would I, and what would it be?''

The second - Pick up to six people and give them this award.

And the third - Thank the person who gave me this award.

I begin with a 'thank you so much ..mailto:much....PettyWitter@Pen and Paper', for being so generous and thoughtful. This will keep me going for a while now I guess. I can't tell you all (ok I am telling you) how I feel adding copyright*budhaaah* at the end of each post nowadays.

'Copyright', whatever for? Whats there to copy here anyway? The kinda stuff I am doling out nowadays...hmm..and then comes the Petty Witter..just when I decide to take a break from my writing again, till my head is clear enough, - and gives me this award.

Thank you again dear, for the award.

Now for the second one. ''If I had a chance to go back and change one thing in my life, would I, and what would it be?''

Nothing.

Yes, nothing is what I would like to say. But there is always room for improvement, and if such a beautiful oppurtunity does come my way ever (hmm wishful thinking), I would make myself/ be a better person than I am now. Erase the very first instance of my meanness - when I remember being/ doing something mean. Yes go back and change that.

No, my life is not perfect..far from it. But if I wanted to change the one thing that plummeted me into this bottomless pit that my life has become now, then I would simultaneously erase the most precious thing in my life too right now..My kids love..laughter.

And last but not the least, the six people I give this award to are..

oh you guessed right -

Mark@the walking man

Deb@Let me g0 on and on!

Rick@Life Through My Eyes

Sweta@disapearingcaravan.blogspot.com

Antares@magick river

P.C.Godiyal@PaahdiStuff! (Since the rule does not say that the award has to be given to fellow bloggers blogging only in a certain language, I take the liberty of giving this award to a hindi/pahadi (Pahadi - a man/woman from the hills) blogger who writes touching pahadi/hindi songs..

Please note: I am aware, that for various reasons, not all bloggers like to post awards on their blogs (TWM for one :), I am no way offended if people choose not to do so..

If just for today..

I will just let life
slide tonight
and later
do the visionary routine..


copyright*budhaaah*

various colours
affect the mood today
sixth sense inspires
to rise
to think
achieve
not be limited
not be nearsighted
but go further
go beyond..the imagination and perception

to reach out bold
for another day
or get down on
my knees and pray..


copyright*budhaaah*

He knows..

What do I ask Him?
and how?

God is working on already settled plans..



copyright*budhaaah*

expand
individual extreme
the horizons of destiny..

synthesize
for you can still
win that prize..

challenge
make your life more than it could be
break the apparent order of things..

but what do you do with excess?


copyright*budhaaah*

Go on
puzzle it out
or come to me

ask questions
even those
that I cant see

I dont promise
to have
all the answers
but I do have an
eternity..


copyright*budhaaah*

A Ghazal..

Its a ghazal I just wrote and I will try my best to translate it here for you. Though the beauty of an urdu ghazal lies in perfect rhyming - and since translating is not my forte (come to think of it - what is my forte?)

Zindagee ki lo kahan machaltee hae,
Ashq pee-peeker umr dhalti hae..

Betarteeb yun udaas-numa,
zindagi aah aaj bharti hae..

Besabub hum bhee yun tanha-tanha,
khalish kee tapan unhe bhi khalti hae..

Hurf jo likh do tum adhurey say,
taqdeer ki syahee unhe nigaltee hae..

Jeeney ki lo kahan machaltee hae
ashq pee-peekar umr dhalti hae..

Well here goes nothing -

The flicker of life can go out any time,
Tears sustain you as old age creeps along..
( or- 2nd line tears cant sustain you for long)

Dishevelled and sad,
life escapes through a sigh..

Unreasonably selfish in our grief,
we both want to die alone..

If the words written are unclear/incomplete,
they will be wiped/swallowed up by (the ink of) destiny..

what does it take?

I laugh so hard
I am in splits
because
his question is..

spurned by hate
or to burn at stake
- whats your pick? -


copyright*budhaaah*

Define - my pain
or refine - your love


copyright*budhaaah*

open your eyes..

It can only pay
everywhich way
to see..


copyright*budhaaah*

just be..

1.

I'll sigh content
If you let me be,
The sapling under
your banyan tree..

2.

Let the memory remain
after the pain
of the plight

for memories be
your only warmth
on a cold cold night..


copyright*budhaaah*

burn..

Burn their existence
drag em down into a mire
or rebuild completely
cleanse them with your fire..

put on these shoes
and remember
how you'd felt
then change the hand
that they've been dealt..


copyright*budhaaah*

I walk
the nights
and the days
alone..

Days go by
in the blink of an eye
nights go on forever..

In the light
of the day
mind - aye - it strays
what can I say
there will be hell
to pay..


copyright*budhaaah*

Someone said
''bad things happen but they dont have to make you sour...
for there is always something you can be thankful for''
another reacted
'fair dinkum darl'
dont remember
maybe it was Carl
maybe not..
well whatever
I have send them invites
to my personalised hell
or was it hell by default
God lies in details
I know
For.. I am the devils consort
you are all welcome
to sit by the fire
and share in the extra warmth



copyright*budhaaah*

I wait for it
with bated breath
a shuffle
a yawn
and loneliness..


copyright*budhaaah*

1.

Inspire love
to love,
to be,
forever..
in serenity



2.

ever elusive
ever far
love defined
now
at par..


copyright*budhaaah*

despair and beyond
I go on and on..

copyright*budhaaah*

He inhales you
like snuff..
a puff
and ..thats it.

copyright*budhaaah*

Today is the day when he left me forever..
Its been one whole month without him and life does go on.
I didnt drop dead.
I feel as if cant breathe when I think of him but..
tried to keep myself busy so as dont think too much and ended up making a bad portrait of him.

for want of better..

here's an old one I wrote..

I feel -off and unhappy
not only when things go wrong
but when - the heart is at spring
- no wonder I brood -

copyright*budhaaah*

As soon as I shoot
one trouble down
the other frowns
and rears its head
to gauge
what's left in me
I take out a knife
and slice this one's head
but a third one says
'hey remember me?'

How can I forget?
you
my well fed pets
I live for thee
I thrive on ye
even as you feed
on the wasted
dissipated me..


copyright*budhaaah*

..

I am free
just that
the mind is occupied
by the shambles that its in..

copyright*budhaaah*

Feeling too old tired and sick to be able to write anything..or even have the strength to sit in front of the computer all day long and keep typing the passwords over and over again. Maybe tomorrow..

Meanwhile I run
not fast enough though
he catches me at every turn
cuts off the fun
of the run..

I cant hide
for he finds
me in the darkest corners
of my mind..

Can't pass my time
even though I scrounge
the bylanes
of his color and style..

So I write shit
plastered all over
though you suffer
dont tell me
its the pits..

I could'nt care less
I gotta pass my time
or forever roll
in grief
eternal slime of rememberence..

copyright*budhaaah*

Doomed - is that what you say..
shows distaste
for a beautiful life
-eternally-
lived in haste..

copyright*budhaaah*

August..

come september,
dont be so forlorn..
by the time august went,
he was already gone.

copyright*budhaaah*

broken

What does a touch mean?
its firm or just some grease..
How does the mind feel?
does it rot..does it keel?

I dont know
how love feels..
In the face of
broken dreams..

copyright*budhaaah*

You think

of flowers and the sea

- bee - do you ever

think - of me..

copyright*budhaaah*

STOP

Holdin her by her neck he dragged her back to her room..I was in the bath and ran outside when I heard commotion and saw him..

'Stop' is all I could say at the top of my voice and ran to the kid. Took her in my arms. She tries to shut me out too now. She allows me to hug her and hold her but thats it..she doesnt hug back ..for a few minutes.

Nobody would like/be proud of a weak protector I guess.

Some love did bring her out of it and she said she didnt want to speak to 'the man' as she refers to him now. But a shout from him was all it took and she ran outside at hs prompt to do his bidding.

I looked at him and he said 'well she needs to be reminded who the boss is around here..she aint the father you know, I dont want any bu**s**t from her'..

A lovely happy child and now changing, becoming an angry, resentful child..

I was hoping for some respite from him given the circumstances in my life right now but he goes on in his regular mode as if everything is the same..

memories and dust
is all that I can trust
today..

copyright*budhaaah*

I am sorry about the infrequency of my posts. There has been a lot of problem with the internet connection since a year and since this is India things get solved..If at all tey do then it is at a snail pace..Hopefully within a month I will get the connection running.

Then you will get to read about the way the broadband companies work in India..till then adios my friends :)

White endlessly
peace within
it is you
that I see

aye tis you
that I feel
when I close my eyes..

copyright*budhaaah*

I wish and strive
again and again
yet fail
it's all
to no avail

pregnant pauses
heavy with blues
life is one
solid black hue

copyright*budhaaah*

See..

Ah
bird's eye view
see things
a different way
avoid minutae
banish detail..

The birthing of shit..

Looking inwards
found nothing
but shit

a cesspool
spiralling downwards
till it found release

and splat!
fell flat
on the floor
in a heap

copyright*budhaaah*

Sleep..

Ah the night
stretch ye weary limbs
with just one goal
in sight..


copyrigh*budhaaah*

away..

Go - heart
begone..

come back
when you are
not so
forlorn...


copyright*budhaaah*

Tomorrow never comes..

Tomorrow comes
when it becomes
Today

But without
the dreams
promised yesterday

copyright*budhaaah*

whispers and guns..

Out from the barracks
bring the guns
the order is on
to shoot at sight

I am blind

They gave me a gun
but I am blind

Do I shoot at whispers
or
when I hear footsteps..
I think
I am confused
I think
I will play it safe
and follow orders

Shoot at sight?
Well I am blind..

copyright*budhaaah*

I return to my bleak landscape..

Through
the broken landscape
tread carefully
to the rainbow that was

pick up the remnants
close to your heart
return to the bleak landscape

There..
my corner of the world
is now
complete

copyright*budhaaah*

the search

burning
for the salve
of your hands..

the sound
of your voice..

pain
that brings
relief...

desires..

desire to be free
for change

Banish
fear of insecurity
love of routine
precious ploy
the daily humdrum

break free of shackles
binding/crushing
yet invisible

realize that something has to give
something has to break
something has to melt
something has to fade..

copyrigh*budhaaah*

to speed..

I am going
too fast
then at times
too slow

It scares me
-to no end-
You know

I am and yet I was..

I was
but an aura
of my former self

I am
but a shadow
of my present...

copyright*budh.aaah*

the soul..

And I thought,
I was on a roll

Just because he said
he had a conscience
and a soul..

for want of better..

So where am I today?
walking a highway - thumbing a lift?
regretting inevitable breakups
over mere tiffs
straining the hours left
trying to make amends
reading the road signs
trying to make some sense
hmmm..what do I do today?
gear up - thumb a lift?
or cry over
milk already spilt?

fie

Building bridges
managing ties
getting through the days
we survive

moderation
is the golden mean
it simply avoids
extreme

Unless we be the change
that does not pretend or lie
oh fie fie fie
we will all die

...

She wanted some water before she went to the corner store and he had flatly refused her and told me as well not to give her any.


I just had to ask him what was more important for him - a child who is well and alive or a dead, but disciplined child. He shook his head as I gave the kid a few sips.


Every little thing becomes a big power struggle and I wonder why it has to.


He btw is apologetic and whereas he had threatened the kid yesterday that 'all will die today', I guess thinking about the repurcussions the beating would cause (knowing how upset I would be), but he changed his tune by the time we reached the house and was very apologetic. Though his being 'very apologetic' translates to just one sentence where he said he will never do it again, and shaking his head..
( Ah well folks, bad computer -keeps hanging after every 2 minutes so lost the earlier one that I'd written, and feeling too tired to write it all over again)

yet again..

Stepped out for some time. Had to attend a prayer meeting and at the end of it called him up to come with the kid so that they could be there too.

The kid came with a puffed red face and I was alarmed but still (hope against hope for things to be normal) asked her if she'd been running around in this heat too much. Her eyes filled with tears and she said that he'd hit her - yet again- while studying as well as grabbed her neck threateningly, just because she's not exactly the Einstein he wants her to be.

She is but a small child who wants to be free..

You say..

You say you know -
the world is round
the trees are green
the sky is blue

I think -
the kindergarten
stuck to you - like glue

*copyright* Budh.aaah

And...

Atone - dear love - atone
you just have my body
but I have your soul..

*copyright*Budh.aaah

atone...

Atone - dear love - atone
for I have your body
but you have my soul..

*copyright*Budh.aaah

I need...

You have the pep
- not the depth -
I need

You extend your hand
ruffle my hair
Caress my cheek - give me a kiss
- and -
thats it.

*copyright*Budh.aaah

The day is gone..

Another day gone by
and I didnt try
for happiness

When tomorrow comes
will again
embrace loneliness..

*copyright*Budh.aaah

:(

The kid fell down last night..from the bed.

I have'nt slept -or so it seems- since the kid was born. As soon as she tosses and turns my eyes pop open on their own. So when I heard a loud thud yester night - I immediately sat up and said ' oh my God my baby has fallen from the bed. There was a net all around so that kinda breaks the fall, but really a fall when one is fast asleep will even shake an elder up and she's but a kid.

But he gets up at the commotion and guess what he has to say..'bloody bitch, cant even sleep right'..

I mean what is this? Could someone please make his kind of reactions clear to me. Why or how on earth can he swear at the kid when all she needs at the time is a helping hand to yank her up, then check for the 'boo-boo's if any and then kiss it better for her. Thats not too much to ask.

I dont know everyday I get nearer to the resolution I'd made last year. Oh please dont laugh - yes that was last year, and if I say this then that means I am moving pretty fast now. Otherwise taking any decision takes forever - like a lifetime..

Sun sign Libra, moonsign Capri..Typical Libran trait - so there, now I can easily wash my hands off the ugly indecisive me.

Its been a :( day.. hope to smile tomorrow.

Spring..

1)

Of a life wasted
another spring gone by
whats left now promises
to be as dry..


and again
2)

Another spring gone by
and whats left seems
oh so dry..

*copyright*Budh.aaah

come to me..

Whilst there is light
and the path still be seen
rush to me - rush to me
for soon the darkness will be

whilst there is time - come to me..

*copyright*Budh.aaah

he is..

He is just..
treats with - same ire
budding dreams
- and dying fires..

copyright budh.aaah

tears..

Your mother's - and mine
Our tears always shine
our pain is the same
there has been no gain
all we got is pain
all we have is pain..

*copyright*Budh.aaah

Holi-er than thou..

It is the Indian festival Holi tomorrow. They play it by smearing some dry color in vibrant hues like red, green, magenta, yellow (lemon and cadmium both the shades, I mean you name it they have it) on each other's face, clothes. It makes for a very colorful spectacle all the shops selling bright colors and water pistols which are kids fave.

They fill the water pistol with water and then empty it on some unsuspecting soul passing by. One thing thats really not good is the use of water balloons. Unsuspecting school/college girls are at the recieving end of this practice by kids and most times goons. The festival seems to give them a licence to leer and smear while saying the adage that goes with this festival - ' Dont mind this because its Holi..

Women who use public transport dread this wonderful festival because of this ugly twist to it. The law is getting stricter by the day though.

The kid is out there in the balcony emptying the teeny-weeny water pistol on the potted plants I have outside. That takes care of the watering chore for me hahaa.

I've been trying my hand at various things that I'd never tried before in life. Making some traditional Holi delicacies being one and come 2009 I tried my hand at pickles. I took it up as a challenge. And God was I surprised when it turned out ok.

So I got carried away and now have pickled lemon, pickled Indian gooseberry, pickled green chillies all on my shelf with a Indian gooseberry jam bottle too.

For Holi I made some fried hard crackers -(mathi) and Gujhiya( Traditional Indian Sweet Puff) which is made of refined white flour kneaded and then rolled out to actually rolling it into small circles , then stuffed and folded/sealed (stuffing is usually Powdered sugar as per taste, Cardamom powder, coconut powder, Dry fruits - pistachios, almonds, sultana's etc) And of course then deep fried like the crackers. It took all day yesterday and two hours today to wrap it off.

Hmm not bad - I liked the experience.

I am constantly amazed at myself. From being a diehard feminist in college and radical/rebel against the stereotypical roles cut out for women in the Indian society- to fighting the caste system of this country, I have come a long way.

Actually die hard feminism in India some years ago just translated into wearing westerns, and not accepting the gender unequality prevalent in the home, the street, the school/college and then later the office. If you did this then you were a feminist.

Now I have changed and how. I take a lot of crap, am in a chauvinistic ( in approach) marriage, and whoa enjoy cooking. ( This last change I dont mind at all. Cooking is very theraupatic just like gardening I feel)

Ok guys happy Holi to all of you! Tomorrow's gonna be an off :)

a lil problem..

Dear friends,
Cant seem to open the 'comments' page in my last entry. When I click on 'comments' the page turns blank and doesnt show anything.
Any suggestions? If not you can help by ( please ) leaving your comment again(the last post)
:)

drift away..

Both of us - need space
who knows
It might bring us closer
or make us drift away
One way or another
does it really matter
If we slowly bleed to death
- or - get massacred straight away..

*copyright*Budh.aaah

The Fabulous Blog Award

I just went visiting Rick's site as I do everyday and read his latest blog entry which said 'I Have Been Presented With The Fabulous Blog Award' and felt happy for Rick because he is good at it, then sighed for I guess I know its next to impossible me getting this award and continued reading while ho-hum-ing and then when I came to the line where he says - 'I would like to pass this award to the following blogs:' I almost fainted to see my name there. I mean my blogs name. I felt tears sting my eyes and that again took me by surprise because I didnt know it would touch me so much because I've never gone by the validation process in life.. Hey Rick, thanks, I appreciate this.

The rules for the "Fabulous Blog" award are:

You must pass it on to 5 other Fabulous Bloggers in a post receiving the award. You must include the person that gave you the award, and link it back to them. You must list 5 of your Fabulous addictions in the post. You must copy and paste these rules in the post.

My 5 fabulous addictions/interests are:

my kid

poems

reading

music

love ( 'Love' used to enjoy the first spot always and look how the mighty have fallen)

I would like to pass this award to the following blogs: http://themanwhowalksalonewalksfaster.blogspot.com/

http://ricksgarden.blogspot.com/

http://dtrant.blogspot.com/

http://anyonething.blogspot.com/

http://ninechainstothemoon.blogspot.com/

Thank you so much for the Award!!! I am honored to join the club. :) thank you.

stranded

feel - so small
- alone - in bed
with you - its infinity..

*copyright*budh.aaah

An old song..

For want of better things to say , here’s a song I wrote sometime back..Hope you like it..
Well here goes..

The girl who wants to make you laugh,
or the child that makes you cry.
The words that come out thru’ your eyes,
the tears that make you smile.

Tell me - have you ever smiled on tears,
and emotions - that teach you nothing but lies..
have you ever tried to love?
Ever tried to fly??

Tell me ’cause I’m a lonely traveller,
In a land more beautiful than dreams.
Tell me - so that I take back the gift,
- a souvenir of dreams..

Always tried - tried..to be a human
-cried when the child cried,
-wanted always to be oh human,
-turned out to be a machine..

Have always wanted to share my love,
have always been too shy..
Always wanted to share with everyone,
But - failure makes me die..

Save me ”cause I am a lonely traveller,
In a land of barriers and screams.
Save me ’cause I have loved everyone,
In your land - stranger than dreams..

*copyright* budh.aaah

No good..

1)

lying alone in the dark
your promises come back to me
outside its all black/dark
Inside - no good, no good, no good..


2)

Gone - with the wind
like a smile
like a tear
that dies inside

Hush..

Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother do you think they'll like this song?
Mother do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Mother should I build the wall?
Mother should I run for president?
Mother should I trust the government?
Mother will they put me in the firing line?
Mother am I really dying?

Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry.
Mother's gonna make all your nightmares come true.
Mother's gonna put all her fears into you.
Mother's gonna keep you right here under her wing.
She wont let you fly, but she might let you sing.
Mama will keep baby cozy and warm.
Ooooh baby ooooh baby oooooh baby,Of course mama'll help to build the wall.

Mother do you think she's good enough -- to me?
Mother do you think she's dangerous -- to me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother will she break my heart?
Hush now baby, baby dont you cry.
Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.
Mama wont let anyone dirty get through.
Mama's gonna wait up until you get in.
Mama will always find out where you've been.
Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean.
Ooooh baby oooh baby oooh baby,You'll always be baby to me.

Mother, did it need to be so high?

Mother (Pink Floyd)

Only in this case its not the mother.

The weekend wasnt as expected, but then I guess my entire life has been that way. En route to IIT called the kid up to say we were on our way but she said she was busy. No she didnt even have the 5 minutes I was asking for. Period.

Now he wants to take - and has taken - my kids 'educational well being' in his hands. That simply translates into the kid being terrorized simply because 3 isnt what 2+2 adds upto.

The spirit has to be broken. A free dignified spirit has to be taught how to live properly ( obey promptly). The kid has the audacity to question - not follow blindly, love - not hate indiscriminately..What gall.

'The kid has to be taught to respond- nay jump at the flick of a finger, otherwise God knows what evil may fall on the kid in some emergency' and all because the kid aint good at following orders to the T. And if - God forbid - something happens to the kid sometime IT WOULD ALL BE MY FAULT - simply because I shield the kid too much.

The problem is that I am beyond repair, but the kid can be broken and reshaped many times over right?

all night..

My left eye
cries all night
It misses you a lot
The right one orders it to stop
It listens not - sweet - it weeps

*copyright*Budh.aaah

It needs..

My heart - it hurts so
does not let me sleep
It needs arteries of your love
Sweet - it bleeds

*copyright*budh.aaah

alone..

For you are so young
though I be small
the thirst don't quench
though the sea surrounds
though the gales be strong
and the wind may blow
I'm alone, I am all alone
- to grope - my way through the haze
for yours is not the hand
no babe - yours is not the hand
to guide me - through the maze

*copyright* Budh.aaah

dawn..

Young at heart
- yet - growing old
a hard days night - and - wavering hope
No promises to keep
still - wake me up
when the sun is up
- again - with fun

*copyright*Budh.aaah

No..

No - you are not a fool
- I won't say -
You were just meant
to be - this way..

*copyright*Budh.aaah




Meanwhile the kid is being pushed and shoved - physically, and the woman is being pushed and shoved - emotionally

Whyever not??

Yippeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was a good day. Out and about.

Went to IIT and met the kid..nice kid, did I tell you. Way too straightforward man..just the way I like em.

She let us out on the best kept IITian secret. The Nescafe joint. We turned from the main IIT road into the lane which I thought was a dead end but when we stopped under a tree looked more like a secluded jungle spot. Then just turn your head around a bit and whoa what have you..A nice, open area with lovely tables strewn around and man I had a ball there. It was great the ambience..or the lack of it should I say.

There she asked me this question. A profound question. A profound moment..

'Why are you so weak?' ( in other words why cant I just up and leave the sitch I am in)

Uh ahem did I tell you diplomacy isnt her strongest point. So there it was when I least expected it. A hammer blow on the head.

I stammered then gained momentum once I started. I said 'I dont know, I guess I didnt have any options'. Then I checked the sentence in my head and went heck whatever will she think of me cause everybody has options. So tried explaining what I meant.

'I dont have any options, I guess, I mean I dont want any options because I guess love is/ was like a dead end for me. You reach there and there's no further that you can go. Thats how I felt at least.'

In retrospect - Not put very brightly - ho hum.

Maybe what I meant was that it was where I wanted to be all my life..for me it was for keeps. I mean not this hell I am in right now but the lurve that at that time I felt I was getting into..the warm fuzzy love feeling. The first thing that I blurted out when I saw the Nescafe place was 'heck I wish it was here when we were dating'

God all this sounds so Juvenile. Thats my problem in life. I never grew up.

The female version of Peter Pan - well mentally at least. I guess I am gonna write some more on this topic tomorrow.

...

I do not beg -
I weep
- and while I cry
- it sleeps

*copyright* budh.aaah

Crime..

Steep terrain
weak resolve
sweet succour - beckons us all
win we must - or face our crime
- apathy - disdain -
overbearing drive...

*copyright* budh.aaah

Screeeeeeeeeeeeam !!!!!!

Scream - and be done, be done

Wait though - and he will come

Let in the breeze/ it flows

And while I come../ he goes


*copyright* budh.aaah

Debt..

I've been - in debt -
In daze
Let haze - creep on me
I've been
in depth
and craze
death - weep with me..

*copyright* budh.aaah

The visit..

Avoided going to visit her, even though had so prepared all morning to go. Its something I've started looking forward to I realized..

It was very dissappointing in the end not to go and the whole day was spent listlessly..a thoroughly aimless day with not a peep/squeek of hope. That place brings about so many good memories. Of days long gone..and forgotten.

In fact if I hadnt gone there I wouldnt have remembered that birds did once indeed sing songs that my heart identified with.

I couldnt risk going there. The kid had a black eye. Ok not black but red. The bruise is pretty much there, just like we seen criminals getting it after engaging in prison or street fights.

Only this bruise or 'the eye' that my kid got was the result of 'learning a lesson'.

I wonder how far this lesson will take her in life. I wonder if she will have a life..

How could I take a lil kid with a black eye to see another kid who's got stars in her eyes. The kid and I missed our visit there..

Reminiscing..

Today I handed the kid over to him..


Reminiscing about my childhood is what brought it all on. She was so happy and so was I.


Couldnt believe that a perfectly satisfied state of mind existed in a world full of fond memories despite the struggles and deprivation ( could bring on something utterly opposite of the memories, ruining, tarnishing)..I told her how we had been happy just following/obeying our parents and how we never questioned them and never demanded anything when we were at a marketplace ( nowadays malls) The kid was so engrossed ( I wondered why) as she egged me on and on to continue, 'ma, I wanna hear some more about your childhood'.



A rapt audience in her brought it on and with it also the awareness that the kid isnt as obedient a child as I was, so in my bid to test the waters on firm parenting I told her to go keep something in the kitchen. She refused point blank.


Just like that. No amount of cajoling or firmness from me could change it. I could sense his increasing irritation and my dwindling determination so said 'ok , over to you hubby'..


Just like that..


I had forgotten..protecting her so many years from him, his love for control..and how he loved, hell still loves dictatorship..


I dont call him 'Hitler reborn' for nothing.


He asked her twice whether she would take the stuff inside and when she refused, he -just like that- gave her some 8-10 slaps. I was shocked totally, watched in utter disbelief as it happened as if in slow motion.



What a wonderful mood we were in. This was the antithesis of what I was telling about my childhood - which was not one bit abusive. We never heard even a 'bloody' in our house and that was the only time we feared our dad - not because he would threaten to beat us or raise his voice - he never did any of those things - good ole dad - but because his lecture would follow which just consisted of some 5-6 lines.


It wasnt even the lecture that scared us either, it was the total dejection with which he hung his head and spoke about how he could not imagine his kids using swear words, it wasnt the way he thought he was bringing us up. We felt so terribly ashamed of ourselves that the swear words were well forgotten till we started college and that too the milder ones. hell I still use 'heck' all the times.

He beat her, then slapped her a few more times because she had the gall to look him in the eye when he asked her if she would repeat it. 'Looking at me are you?'

Then he dragged the crying kid to a corner for her time out.

He loves 'time outs'. He loves the yelling and then the timeouts. It always gives him more thrill, or should I say 'double the fun'.

In between slaps she looked at me. I cringed for had I not brought this on her. It wasnt an appeal in her eyes, it hit me like a scream.

Then he realized that now she is sitting quitely in time out so he said 'what about practice huh, take out your books if you dont want a hiding again.'

She looked at him - tiny, on the floor - and he threateningly looming large over her said 'what are you staring at me again', and she quickly lowered her eyes.

So she brought over the books and started writing. With her back turned resolutely towards me. She after that one look had not looked at me again. I realized that I was crying the entire time, as I am again right now while typing this. I nudged her with my toe. She didnt turn. I kept doing it, then I leaned forward and looked at her, she didnt turn towards me.

My God her expression was what..blank..there was no expression there and she just wasnt looking at me.

Crying I pulled her. She resisted. She was so angry at me. Then I finally had her in my lap - we both were sitting on the floor - I turned her face gently towards me and saw the first hint of an expression when she saw my tears. Then her sooty from crying face broke into a smile because I was crying. How sweet and innocent even the kids revenge is.

Then we were both crying, howling, our faces twisting, contorting, while I marvelled at the sameness of it.

Copious amounts of tears flowing like the Ganges, And yet not a single sound..